Things Not Seen
by latelydreaming
Summary: As a member of the "omniscient" Hyuuga clan, Hinata is well aware that all the most terrifying things are those one cannot see. (one-sided NaruHina, Psycho!Hina, language, dark themes, character death(s), time travel, run-on sentences, stream of consciousness...)


_**Things Not Seen**_

_latelydreaming_

**Author's Note: **So. I have this thing for time travel fics. I especially love the ones when one of the Naruto cast time travels back to his/her childhood, possesses his/her younger self, and relives his/her life. But I've always wondered what that would feel like to the child who's being possessed. 'Cause really, one second there's just a sweet little kid eating candy or playing in the park, and the next his/her body's been stolen by some older, scarier, traumatized ninja that he/she doesn't recognize, and no one knows or helps. So this is my take on that. Also, if you're one of those people who like to listen to music to get you in the mood for a fic, I would suggest the following: "Into the Ocean" by Blue October, "A Drowning" by How to Destroy Angels, and "Love is Blindness" by Jack White. If you'd like a recommendation for a similar story, check out "Crow and a Jar" by MKofGod. Ok, so it's not so much _similar_, but it _was_ part of the inspiration behind this fic, and it's really good.

**Warnings**: one-sided NaruHina, Psycho!Hina, language, dark themes, character death(s), time travel, massive run-on sentences, partial stream of consciousness writing, a lot of reading between the lines required, and a less than happy ever after….

* * *

"_I ask this one thing:_

_let me go mad in my own way."_

_Electra, 184-185_

* * *

_On Hatred and Horror_

Hinata has never loved herself. She is five, and all the insecurities that plague young girls aren't _supposed_ to start hounding her for another six or seven years, but she is an elder sister and an heir and most of all a Hyuuga (_and a child if anyone would remember or care_), so each of her little flaws are picked out and magnified; she is put down as worthless and weak, and she comes to believe she will never be good enough. Sometimes she wonders why she continues to try since she knows she will fail. She holds no illusions of ever doing anything else. (_Until_.)

It starts three months after he fifth birthday when her sister is born and her mother dies. She is not there to see her mother's last moments or hear her sister's first cries. She is not there, but Neji-nii is and he coldly informs her that her mother instructed him to tell her to take care of her sister. Then he laughs and says she is incapable of taking care of herself, much less a baby. She agrees, but vows to do her best anyway, because it is her mother's last request and because she loves the sister she's never met already, loves her and wants to protect her, even if she _is_ useless.

She cries at the funeral. Her father frowns in disapproval and many Branch members watch her from the corners of their eyes, but she still cries. It is another sign of her weakness that she does, because Hyuuga do not mourn. She does not see her sister during the service, but she hears the infant wails and is relieved to know she is not alone in the pain of her mother's loss. Later she tries to go to her sister, to comfort the babe, but she is stopped by her father and ordered to return to her room and consider her disgraceful behavior during the ceremony. For the next several weeks she is confined to her room when not in lessons or training, and it is not until nearly three months later that she is granted a reprieve and finally allowed to meet her sister for the first time.

She is excited and nervous and very, very scared, because she is finally going to see her precious baby sister; what if the child doesn't like her? What if she can't care for her properly? Will she be permitted to hold the infant? What if she drops her? What if she hurts her? She doesn't think she will be able to bear it if she harms her sister, because she already loves her so, so much, enough that she could _die_ for her….

And the second she lays eyes on the beautiful baby girl, she thinks how ironic that analogy is, because suddenly black, _black_ hatred flares up within her heart and she wants nothing more than her baby sister dead, dead, _dead_. Again she is afraid; this time because she has no idea _why_ she feels this way, and her fingers are twitching toward her kunai holster–(_But wait, she doesn't carry kunai, doesn't even know how to use them, won't learn until she starts at the Academy next year._)–even as she fights the urge.

The wet nurse cradling the child seems to notice her unease, but misunderstands and attempts to relieve it with a murmured, "This is your younger sister Hanabi, Hinata-hime. Would you like to carry her?"

And, though she wants to say "yes," Hinata shakes her head "no," because she does not think she can trust herself not to wrap her fingers around the baby's fragile little neck and snap it if she is allowed to touch her. Instead, she peeks at the girl and fakes a smile and whispers how pretty she is and flees to her room so she can fall apart in peace.

Later she forces herself to find the reason she hates her sister, and, after much thought, she decides it is Hanabi's fault her mother is dead. She allows herself for a moment to give into the hatred and wish Hanabi had never been born and then feels incredibly guilty for it. Eventually she chooses not to think on the matter anymore and from that day on she avoids her sister religiously.

* * *

_On Cake and Killing_

Her sixth birthday party is the worst day of her life, because they decide to wait two months and combine her party with Hanabi's.

Her sister is placed in a corner with the other toddlers and given several wooden blocks to amuse herself with. Some foolish Branch servant leaves the cutting knife in the cake and Hinata spends the entirety of the party eyeing the utensil and listening to Neji-nii continue to insist that she cannot take care of her sibling–(_She cannot help but think of the double meaning of that phrase and disagree._)–as Hanabi plays happily with her toys.

Yet again her father is too busy to attend, and there is a hole where her mother should have been. She barely manages to stave off her murderous desires; only the multitude of vigilant eyes keeps her from giving in. The party does not end a moment too soon.

* * *

_On First Love and First Sight_

On her first day at the Academy, she falls in love with a blond-haired, blue-eyed, bundle of energy named Uzumaki Naruto (_"and I'm going to be Hokage one day! Believe it!"_)

Once again there is no reason behind it, though a reason is not hard to find, even if it takes her a few days. He is bright and bold and boisterous (_and a failure like her, but he does not give up like her; he perseveres, he endures_). Still, she wonders if she should worry; so little in her life has made sense of late–(_Hanabi, her father, her cousin, her clan, Kumo…_). Then she overhears that four other girls in her class developed crushes on Uchiha Sasuke and another on Takasaki Irou, and she realizes that this (choking, pounding, pulsing, overwhelming) _need_ to see the golden boy she barely knows is perfectly normal, perfectly reasonable. Her heart aches with the intensity of her love–(_If she didn't know better, she would think children aren't meant to feel such deep emotions, the pain is so acute. However, she was told that by the end of the first week of class, Ino and Sakura, who'd promised to be best friends _forever_, had gotten into a fight over Sasuke, so she knows she's not the only one hurting over this beautiful, horrid thing known as love._)–and she is paralyzed every time he so much as _twitches_ in her direction. Even worse, though, are those moments when she loses track of him and nearly _dies_ of fright, because _what if she never sees him again?!_

In the end, she follows him home and spends the night crouched outside his apartment door peering through walls to watch him sleep. The next day, Neji-nii finds her and scolds that her father nearly went to the _police_ when she didn't come home all night. She listens passively, but cannot help but disbelieve him because the police are _Uchiha_ and a Hyuuga would never ask for an _Uchiha's_ help.

When he is finished, she returns to class and continues to watch her Naruto-kun. She faints when he notices her looking and asks if she needs anything. That sets the pattern for the next four years.

* * *

_On Martyrs and Massacres_

In her eighth year, the Uchiha heir goes berserk and slaughters his entire clan with the exception of one Uchiha Sasuke. The Hyuuga are torn between throwing a celebration and growing unsettled; they try to avoid speaking of it for fear of giving the Branch members "ideas" which, though unable to be fulfilled, could be dangerous all the same. The air in the compound is stifling and pressure to impress only increases, as does her rate of failure.

The newly-labeled last (acknowledged) Uchiha has changed from being quiet and shy to being quiet and _angry_; he develops a habit of brooding, which apparently translates into "dark and mysterious" to the girls in class, because three more fall for him and a fan club is formed. He does his best to ignore it, her Naruto-kun declares himself Sasuke's rival, he also ignores that, and instead begins systematically tearing himself apart at the seams trying to meet his brother's impossible standards.

Hinata thinks she knows the feeling and considers the possibility that she and Sasuke have much in common. Then she notices another set of parallels: Uchiha Itachi and Neji-nii. If she is being honest, her cousin probably could and would have done the same in a few years had he never been sealed, but he likely would not have been so kind as to leave her alive. Her opinion that Sasuke is very lucky is never voiced.

She dreams of running away and never coming back, of Neji-nii named heir, of her father laid to rest in a coffin going to Kumo, of being strong enough to obliterate her clan, of being _free_. Sometimes she looks into a mirror and sees Uchiha Sasuke glaring back at her. Sometimes she wishes with all her heart for it to be true. Sometimes she cries.

* * *

_On Sparring and Sparing_

Hinata has only just turned ten, yet her skill with Jyuuken has not improved over the years. She is ranked lowest in her class amongst the girls–(_That's ok, she can take it; her Naruto-kun is ranked lowest overall, and he still tries._)–and her father has long since given up on her. He passes her training off to a Branch servant or Neji-nii in favor of focusing on Hanabi and frequently references the five year old's talent in her presence.

He probably says it to motivate her, but at the mention of her sister, that ugly, black, searing emotion invariably resurfaces and she grows distracted and performs far worse than usual in her daily practice.

One day her father interrupts her training and something new happens. Rather than insulting her or comparing her to her sister again, he orders her instructor away and states that she will have a new opponent. Then Hanabi steps in.

Immediately, the world cracks, twists, inverses itself, and reverses its course, and it's odd; neither her father nor her sister seems to notice reality readjusting, but she does and suddenly everything is clear, suddenly she can _see_, and what she couldn't grasp before, what was impossible is suddenly so _obvious_ that she wonders how she missed it.

So Hanabi stands before her while their father moves to the side and indicates they start. And Hanabi, who is aggressive and has speed and skill and talent on her side, does not hesitate to obey. Hinata does though, because she is still frozen in the awe of her epiphany, and her reluctance costs her. But it does not cost her dearly, because while her sister does not hesitate to combat and does not hesitate to conquer, she does hesitate to kill, a compunction which Hinata does not suffer.

So in Hanabi's moment of doubt, Hinata counters, and suddenly the younger girl, who had been dominating the battle just moments ago, is driven back as Hinata utilizes every ounce she possesses of speed and strength and knowledge and hatred and competence begat of recent revelation to destroy her sister.

Only her father's swift intervention deflects the blow that would have ruptured Hanabi's little heart. The child's eyes are wide and her breath quick with fear, but Hiashi studies his eldest daughter impassively a long while before decisively informing her that he is proud of her performance. And upon receiving the approval which she had so long striven toward… Hinata finds that she could not care less.

* * *

_On Placement and Politics_

The next few days are rather interesting, if still somewhat typical. Hinata is set to spar against a slightly older and fairly competent Branch member and then, after defeating him, Neji-nii (_and wasn't that a strange match, herself and her breakthrough versus the Hyuuga child prodigy; he had more speed and strength and flexibility and he was more practiced and more familiar with his abilities. There was no way she could have been victorious, but somehow, miraculously, her newfound understanding of the Jyuuken style left her with the ability to maximize her moves and each of her strikes had a greater effect than his. There was a contrast: he fought stronger and longer, but she fought smarter and ultimately _better_. And he won; of course he won, but it took time, and he did not leave without injury_).

There is a political upheaval after this, one centered around herself, and Hinata feels as if she is in the eye of a hurricane, because she is aware of the frenzied debate over her position, but there is little effect on her life. It is a novel experience.

In the end, not much changes; she is reinstated as the official heir, though Hanabi is not removed from candidacy, and she regains her father's attention during training. Her clan begins to treat her with a grudging respect, her father seems mollified, and her sister is absolutely terrified of her.

She decides she dislikes the attention, but it is worth it to see her little sister squeak and flee every time they cross paths.

* * *

_On Propriety and Priority_

Her speech does not improve over the following months. She still stammers (_like an imbecile, she thinks_), and her grades at the Academy are only marginally better. There is talk once again of removing her as heir, but then she defeats Neji-nii and the whispers are dropped (_and she remembers his expression when he lost, the sheer disbelief that she, the failed heir, had beaten him, and then the shock faded and the loathing took over, and she could see it in his eyes; he hated her like she hated Hanabi, and she thought maybe she should have been afraid, but all she felt was this strange delight_).

Jyuuken is now a simple thing, and each new move she learns is quickly incorporated into her arsenal and practiced until it is habitual. Jyuuken is easy. Her lessons in politics and diplomacy and tradition and etiquette and decorum are easy. Maintaining her composure is easy. Proper behavior is easy. Everything the clan teaches and expects of her is _easy_–(_almost everything; she still struggles with asserting herself, and she is beginning to suspect she always will_)–easy, brainless, instinctual, it's all so damn _simple_; she picks it up as a prodigy would, as a genius would, as she never thought she could, and these are _jounin-level skills_ that she can perform as easily as _breathing_… _but she can't fucking _do_ any of these Academy-level staples_. She has to practice and practice for _hours_ to gain even a _modicum_ of skill, and maybe all her success is going to her head, because her Naruto-kun trains just as long and hard with just as little result, but _still_ she'll stand in the training field with sweat running down her face and stare at the kunai that have hit everything except the target and she'll just feel this _frustration_ building up inside her, and she'll clench her fists and think, "_I can do better. I _know_ I can do better than this_."

Nothing changes. Nothing _important_ changes.

And she hates herself.

She's beginning to realize she's very good at hatred.

* * *

_On Lessons and Legends_

History is the one lecture class in which her Naruto-kun shows even an inkling of interest. More specifically, his attention span grows exponentially whenever the Yondaime is being discussed, especially his final battle with the Kyuubi. Ironically, history is the one class in which her Naruto-kun gets in the most trouble, not because he misbehaves (any more than usual, anyway), but because the teachers, for whatever reason, seem to be twice as prone to notice the slightest misdeed.

He is frequently thrown out of this class and forced to sit in the hall, and each time this happens, Hinata is sure to take extensive notes, highlighting the parts featuring the Yondaime, and carefully penning her Naruto-kun's name at the top of each page. Then she spends the rest of the day trying to work up the courage to give them to him. She doesn't succeed. She never succeeds. Sometimes she wonders why she continues to try since she knows she will fail. She holds no illusions of ever doing anything else. (_Until_.)

It starts on a typical day. He has been forced from class again as they learn of the Third Shinobi War, she has taken precise notes again, class has ended again, and she is again trying to convince her body to listen to her _and fucking _go_ to him already_.

Again she fails, but this time his obliviousness is not enough to disguise her inner turmoil. He notices her staring and bluntly asks what she wants.

She squeaks and stammers, presses her fingers together, changes color, opens and closes her mouth uselessly a few more times, forgets how to breathe, and faints.

When she wakes again, she's lost her carefully taken notes and the classroom is empty. Her heart crumbles when she realizes he didn't wait for her to wake as he had so many times before, he didn't check to see if she was okay or inadvertently cause her to faint again by shoving his face in front of hers and demanding to know if she's sick. _He doesn't care_, she tells herself, and she is not surprised. Crushed by overwhelming despair and mortification and hopelessness, maybe, but not surprised.

She spends the night in a training ground, practicing techniques and fighting to hold back tears.

The next day she cannot bear to look at him. Not ostensibly, anyway. She keeps her Byakugan activated and focused on him throughout their classes and sees that for once he is watching her rather than she him. She does not know what inspired the change–(S_he does not care, is not willing to risk this new attention for the sake of her curiosity, will not ask questions._)–but she is glad for it. When classes are over, she manages to turn her face to him, and he _smiles_. At _her_.

It is unquestionably the happiest day of her life.

* * *

_On Knowing and Noticing_

Something is… off. Everything is normal, or close enough that the difference is negligible, but still…. Things are the same, yet things are different, and she doesn't know what or why. She doesn't know, doesn't understand, but she looks around and everything is just… _wrong_. It's like she's been displaced, like she should be somewhere, do something else. Like the people she sees and talks to and has known all her life aren't right, like they should behave differently, speak differently, think differently. Like they should be doing more. Like something has been forgotten, but she can't remember what it is and she isn't sure _who_ has forgotten, whether herself or her clan or her classmates…. Maybe all of them.

Whatever it is, the doubt in the back of her mind hasn't left, won't leave, and she begins watching, waiting, observing the world around her, trying to locate the source of the wrongness. And though she can't put her finger on it, she _has_ noticed things she didn't before.

Little things: Ami doesn't actually love Uchiha Sasuke, but instead the idea of _herself_ with him. Ino, likewise, feels nothing for the boy and for some reason pretends otherwise. Hinata can't be sure why, but she theorizes that it has something to do with the increased confidence Sakura has been exhibiting lately and the ongoing rivalry that inspires both girls to improve more rapidly. Kasumi actually _does_ like Sasuke and says she doesn't so Ami won't get mad at her. Shikamaru always sleeps through or ditches class, puts forth minimal effort, makes average grades, and is secretly brilliant. Kiba is fluent in the Canid tongue, both comprehensively and when "speaking." Before she'd always thought his conversations with Akamaru were more a conglomeration of "make-believe" and tonal impressions rather than actual language, but then she realized that the yips and barks and growls had a cadence to them, that they _meant_ something. Not only is Kiba capable of understanding and communicating in "Canid," but Akamaru is also capable of comprehending "Human," though Hinata has no evidence of him being able to speak it as of yet. Even more interesting is the fact that Akamaru is in fact smarter than Kiba, and probably most of the rest of the class too. Neji-nii's team was required to take a secondary genin exam outside of the Academy's year-end test, and were then ordered to inform no one. (Hinata suspects that the exam is not specific to their team only, but that all new genin teams will be subjected to it.) Through some strange twist of fate, her father actually _does_ love her and only does such a poor job of showing it because he has a tendency to prioritize his clan over his children.

Big things: Iruka-sensei tries to be fair and equal, but his favorite student is her Naruto-kun. (Incidentally, this fact makes Iruka-sensei her favorite teacher). Mizuki-sensei is the opposite: he _hates_ her Naruto-kun, and does a good job of hiding it behind smiles and words of kindness (that just so happen to make subtle digs at his abilities even as they compliment or console him). Her Naruto-kun himself both does and does not notice the vague insults–likely this is exactly what Mizuki-sensei wants. Though he feels the sting of each insult, he does not allow himself to acknowledge them; this is what Hinata loves about him. Even if he is mocked and scorned and hated, he does not give in. Before, she had always assumed that he was simply too unaware to notice the barbs the entire world seems to send his way; with her increase in wariness, she realizes she was mistaken. He hears and sees and feels and thinks far more than he shows, and he only hides it all so well because he is absolutely _terrified_ of being ignored, so terrified that if there were just one person willing to take the time to honestly _look_ at him, to accept him, to love him, then they would immediately earn his entire and lifelong devotion. (When she realizes this, she is even more desperate to be brave enough to approach him, and even more disgusted with herself when still she is not.) So nothing changes. He still wears bright clothes, makes brash declarations, uses excessive volume, performs pranks, and makes daily demands for spars against his rival, Sasuke, (whom she now realizes he chose not because of any specific trait of the Uchiha's, but because of the way Sasuke is at the center of everyone's attention in everything he does and because her Naruto-kun is desperate to steal even the tinest bit of it for himself). Surprisingly, it is Uchiha Sasuke who she finds easiest to understand, though he receives the least amount of her attention. He is slowly unraveling, and he only continues to hold things together on the surface because of the daily spars her Naruto-kun challenges him to; his incontestable victories seem to reassure him that he is not as weak and powerless as he feels. (This makes Hinata wonder if they are more alike than she initially thought.)

And: While she has been watching everyone else, her Naruto-kun has been watching her. He never approaches, never says anything, never stares at her directly, just… whenever he thinks she can't see, he _looks_ at her. Like he's expecting something. And she's excited and nervous and very, very scared and he's _noticing_ her, but…. She feels like she's going to disappoint him. She doesn't know what he expects, what he _wants_; she hasn't done anything unusual, anything noteworthy, so why–(_Don't ask, don't tempt fate, he might stop, he might look away!_)

She _can't_ question it. But she wants to know.

* * *

_On Second Place and Second Best_

She is nearing the end of her fifth year of the Academy, and she's starting to feel like she's missing something. The world is still broken, fractured, failing her personal test, fundamentally _wrong_, but it's not subtle anymore, it's not a niggling doubt in the back of her mind. The universe is _screaming_ at her; it won't _shut up_, and it's driving her _insane_ (more insane? insane faster?), absolutely, positively, _completely fucking up the wall with little voices in the back of her head babbling nonsensical things and begging for blood, death, damnation, save me, kill me, someone, _please_!_

Things are changing quickly, too quickly. Her Naruto-kun has approached her, been talking to her, is suddenly, magically _friends_ with her–(_and that's fine, it's good, it's _wonderful_…_)–but it is so random, out of the blue, happening for no discernible reason–(_Shut _up_, Hinata! Don't ask questions!_)

Shinobi are taught to always second guess things, and it's hard for her not to.

All of a sudden, her Naruto-kun is her friend. All of a sudden, his rivalry with Uchiha Sasuke doesn't matter so much to him anymore. All of a sudden, the last loyal Uchiha isn't being reminded that he's not nothing, that he's not no one. All of a sudden, he isn't getting attention, because it's been redirected to her. All of a sudden, he realizes he cares. Sasuke is driven to distraction and getting closer to crazy with every day that passes. (_She wonders at times if she'd been all that far behind him, but now she's got her Naruto-kun and she's _not_ giving him up._) A cold war between the two silently begins within the walls of the classroom: Who can get more of Naruto's attention? (_They don't acknowledge it, but their sanity is on the line; the winner can keep everything together a little longer, and the loser loses it all the quicker._)

Sasuke challenges her Naruto-kun to a spar. Hinata asks him to train with her afterwards. Sasuke sits next to him in class. Hinata invites herself over to his apartment that evening. Sasuke notices he never has anything to eat during lunch and dumps one of the bentos the fangirls always make on his desk. Hinata starts making her own bentos for him. The other students all wonder what changed and when and why; her Naruto-kun remains as oblivious as ever. He decides Sasuke and he are friends now and declares they will all be friends together. Sasuke and Hinata quietly agree and glare at each other behind his back.

And the fainting spells she's always had. They aren't innocent little _spells_ anymore, and lately she's been feeling that she doesn't know what is going on anymore.

They're getting worse. Not more frequent–they've always been frequent, especially around her Naruto-kun–but longer. And odder. And sometimes she'll wake up at two in the morning walking down a street she doesn't recognize and wondering how she got there when the last thing she remembers is lunch with her Naruto-kun and Sasuke at the Academy.

She doesn't know what is going on anymore, and it's starting to scare her.

Somehow she's been doing better in the Academy–(S_he isn't sure how, since she can't remember half her classes or any exams._)–and now she's ranked highest amongst the kunoichi, second only to Haruno Sakura. For some reason, she feels the need to beat Sakura too. (She's got this idea that when genin teams are assigned, the rookie of the year and top kunoichi will be placed with whoever's in last place to help balance the team. She isn't sure where the knowledge came from, but it seems logical, and her Naruto-kun _is_ currently ranked last, so she figures it's worth a shot.) Her grades say she has the fieldwork and jutsu down pat (not that she can be sure with her memory of late), and she _knows_ she dominates in taijutsu, seeing as the use of Jyuuken is not restricted (it's the only thing she clearly bests Sakura in, really), but she can't seem to beat Sakura in the tests she can't remember. Just… theoretical work! Memorization! Trivia! Random dates and numbers and names! What _use_ is it in the field? And Hinata is good, but Sakura is _perfect_. It's all incredibly annoying, though Hinata isn't sure exactly who or what she's annoyed by.

And she keeps seeing these images of her Naruto-kun sitting on a little red bridge scowling at Sasuke and whining "Sakuraaa-chaaaaaan!" while a jounin she vaguely recognizes–(_a mask, an orange book, and something about wolves? Or maybe it was dogs. And there was something important about his eye…_)–supervises. If she leaves things be, this will be his team next year. And they'll make him miserable, she's sure. So she _has_ to make his team.

* * *

_On Forgiving and Forgetting_

It's official. Hinata _hates_ Haruno Sakura. And though she hates many things, there is a place of honor right at the top of her list reserved for one bubblegum-haired, bubble-brained bitch.

Hinata hates Sakura more than her sister and more than her father and more than her clan and more than Sasuke and more than Mizuki-sensei and more than every single citizen of Konoha (excluding those two at her Naruto-kun's ramen shop, Iruka-sensei, and the Hokage, of course) combined. She hates and loathes and despises Sakura, because she is even more of an obstacle than ever and Hinata can blame no one but herself.

It started simple: Hinata _still_ couldn't outdo Sakura on any paperwork, and could only tie her in survival training or the three basic jutsu. So she took to watching the girl in hopes of discerning her secrets. And while she did scrape together some _potentially_ useful information–monumental crush on Sasuke, eidetic memory, excellent chakra control, inferiority complex exacerbated by her continued rivalry with Ino (which didn't even make any _sense_, considering she was ranked first amongst the girls, while Ino ranked third, which clearly proved her superiority), pathological need to fit in, susceptibility to the "herd" mentality, violent outbursts, overly straight-laced attitude, bookish personality, civilian mindset, and general tendency to be far too gullible–all of that was useless _now_, because everything boiled down to this: Sakura was perfect. Sickeningly so. And while she had some glaringly obvious weaknesses–low speed, low strength, low stamina, low chakra reserves–none of that mattered when the Academy instructors promoted precision over power. In the field, a slow kunai or weak kick could get a shinobi killed. In class, spars were touch-only, techniques only needed to be demonstrated once, and so long as a student could perform quickly, correctly, and efficiently, the grade was an A. So the end result was that Hinata was back to where she started: She couldn't beat Sakura on paperwork, could only hope to match her in fieldwork, and everything else was negligible (no matter how superior her taijutsu was). Which led Hinata to devising what, at the time, had seemed like an excellent plan.

1. Hinata couldn't beat Sakura.

2. Hinata _needed_ to beat Sakura to be on her Naruto-kun's genin team.

3. Hinata _was going_ to be with her Naruto-kun.

4. Hinata needed Sakura's help if she wanted to beat her.

5. Sakura wasn't going to just _give away_ her position as top kunoichi, but–

6. Sakura had a monumental crush on Sasuke, and–

7. Hinata was "friends" with Sasuke, so–

8. If Hinata invited her to join a "study date" along with Sasuke and her Naruto-kun, there was no chance of Sakura saying no.

9. Not only that, but Sakura would also be trying to impress "Sasuke-kun," so she would be sure to spill all her best study tricks and habits.

10. So if Hinata formed a study group with Sakura, Sasuke, and her Naruto-kun, then she would possibly be able to eventually beat Sakura.

And it _worked_. Not instantaneously, of course; Hinata still had to make up the distance between them (which had grown greater as time passed), but she was catching up and it was shrinking every day. She might have managed to catch up with or maybe even surpass Sakura before the graduation exam at the end of the year. Just a little more and she could have been rid of Sakura for good. It _worked_. And then four months before the test, her Naruto-kun had to go and decide he was in love with the brat. _Fuck_.

Hinata is not a nice girl. She is quiet, and she is proper, and she is polite, and she can fake niceness as long as she needs to, but at the end of the day, she is a kunoichi, an heir, a Hyuuga, and most of all Hinata, who is good at hatred, and none of those are _nice_ things. _Especially_ when pissed off. But her Naruto-kun loves Sakura, even if she doesn't deserve him, and no matter how much Hinata's heart aches and breaks and shatters and shakes and chokes and pounds and pulses as she falls to pieces, she would give up if it meant he would be happy. She's not sure he would, but she gives up anyway. Gives up, gives in, refuses to let go, fails to move on. Stops interfering, stops fighting, drifts off into the black space where there is nothing and no one–(_where _she_ is nothing and no one_)–and doesn't wake up until three weeks before the graduation exam.

And apparently Haruno Sakura has gone missing. Iruka-sensei announces to the class that she was last seen heading home alone after class the previous evening, but that she never actually made it to her destination. Typically, this would be deemed a civilian case because of her family, but considering her status as top kunoichi and almost-genin of the Academy, it is being treated as a shinobi kidnapping and is possibly the work of a foreign agent, spy, traitor, or nukenin. He asks if anyone has seen anything unusual, instructs them to inform himself or Mizuki-sensei if so, warns them to be attentive when coming and going to class daily, and requests they travel in groups or with trustworthy ninja whenever possible. Hinata stares at her hands and thinks that there's an uncommonly large amount of dirt under her fingernails. She hopes to _God_ this means her garden back home has been well-cared for. She spends her lunch period in the restroom switching back and forth between desperately scrubbing the filth off her hands and throwing up in a bathroom stall.

More than a few students decide they don't want to be shinobi anymore and drop out. Ino can't stop crying. Sasuke is confused and disturbed; he throws himself into training and tries to forget old memories of blood and dead little girls. Her Naruto-kun is devastated. Hinata tries to comfort him, but she doesn't (_know, feel, care, wonder, think_)…. She just _doesn't_.

At one point, she confronts Sasuke and asks if he hated Sakura. (She uses the past tense because neither of them are optimistic enough to believe the girl is still alive.) He nearly kills her for implying that he is responsible for Sakura's disappearance, but she tells him she hated her, too. They both agree that no matter how much they hated the girl, she didn't deserve to die, but Hinata's mind keeps replaying old fantasies she used to have–of cutting Sakura into ribbons, of peeling off her skin layer by layer, of eviscerating her, of plucking out her eyes and carving up her pretty little face–and she wonders how much she means it.

She doesn't know who she is anymore, and it scares her.

Hinata _tries_ to spend the next week in a daze in her bed, _tries_ to mourn, to regret, to remember, _anything_, but every time she goes to sleep she wakes up in a training ground or at the Academy or with her Naruto-kun. And her "awake" periods have been detracted from days and hours to minutes and seconds. She is losing it, losing herself, falling apart at the fucking _seams_, and beginning to wonder if she'll still wake up after the next time she goes to sleep.

Days pass. Sakura is officially declared dead, though a corpse is not found and the investigation is not dropped. Hinata becomes the top kunoichi in class. Sasuke represses everything; her Naruto-kun discovers a new determination and resolves to properly protect everyone next time. Things still don't make sense.

She doesn't know what is going on anymore, and she's _terrified_.

* * *

_On Sisters and Sealing_

Hinata has absolutely no memory of the last week before the graduation exam. What she _does_ remember is a conversation with her father the evening before the test involving a notification that due to her recent displays of leadership–(_What displays? What leadership? She hasn't _done_ anything!_)–she will publicly be named heir after passing her genin test, a lecture on the duties of a clan head, and the fact that Hanabi will be sealed into the Branch House following the ceremony. Hinata desperately tries to persuade her father not to seal her sister, to put off the decision a few more years, to wait until they're older so he can be sure his choice is correct. He assumes this is weakness on her part, that she cares too much, and launches into another lecture, this time focusing on the consequences of an heir not meeting his expectations. (The truth is that she doesn't trust herself not to activate Hanabi's seal if she gets the chance, doesn't think she could resist the temptation to make her sister's brains burn and bubble and boil and watch as they leak from her ears, and she can't have her sister die _now_; a suspicious death would only get her into trouble. She needs time to arrange for the little girl to die of more natural causes. Then she reanalyzes that thought, thinks of Sakura, and feels like throwing up again.)

She eventually convinces her father to at least wait until her promotion to chuunin to openly name her heir, though it seems he only agrees to the stipulation to humor her. Either way it doesn't matter; her instincts tell her that there should be plenty of time for at least one large, chaotic disaster to befall Konoha before then, one in which the mysterious death or disappearance of her younger sister could be easily overlooked. And a kunoichi always trusts her instincts. Even if they scare her.

* * *

_On Darkness and Daylight_

The day of the graduation exam probably dawns, since every day prior has at one time or another. She could probably even correctly guess the time it did, though she was not awake to see it. She also could not specify what the weather was like, as she does not remember the walk to class. She does not know how she did on the exam. She does not know if she even _took_ the exam. She does not know who passed or failed. She does not know whether she went straight home after class ended for the day.

She _does_ know that she passed the exam, because when she is standing half-naked in front of a mirror in her room that night, seemingly in preparation to don her nightgown and go to sleep, she notices a brand new hitai-ate lying on the dresser by her bed. She also knows that, according to her calendar, she is not due back at the Academy until the day after tomorrow. She has enough time to wonder how she will know when "tomorrow" ends and the "day after" begins before darkness encroaches and she knows nothing once again.

* * *

_On Drowning and Dying_

She wakes as she is exiting the fourth-floor girls' restroom farthest from the stairs in the Academy. Judging by the angle of the sun shining through the windows, it's around three in the afternoon, which (on a regular day) would mean class was almost over. However, today is _not_ a regular day; Hinata's fairly certain today is the day she's supposed to get her team assignment. She panics for a moment, realizing she doesn't know her team number, team members, or team meeting place, and all of that should have been completed _hours_ ago. Then she forces herself to calm and rationalizes that if she doesn't know where to go, then the best place to find out would probably be the place where they were supposed to get their team assignments: Room 416. So she walks down the hallway, turns right, and enters the classroom. And her eyes are immediately fixated on the blond-haired, blue-eyed bundle of energy who looks up and grins at her. Her heart stutters and picks up its pace, and it's intense, overwhelming, paralyzing, terrifying, and she _wants_, _needs_…. She swears she's falling in love with him all over again.

"Hey! You're back, Hinata-chan!" he exclaims, "So I was thinking, since sensei's makin' us wait so long, we should set up a trap to get back at him, you know? And I dunno, he's a jounin or something, so maybe he'll be impressed if we catch him, right?"

_ It hurts. _Fuck_, it hurts._

"Another one of your stupid pranks, dobe?" Sasuke mutters.

_ Why does it hurt so much?_

"Oi, teme, if you don't wanna help, you don't have to," Naruto grumbles.

Sasuke sighs. "Fine, tell me what you have in mind."

_ Are children not meant to feel such deep emotions?_

"Well, I was thinkin'…."

She can't breathe. She can't _breathe_. She's having one of those fainting spells she used to have forever ago. Not the blackouts; the blackouts are easy, just fall into nothing and maybe wake up later. No, this is fainting–_the blushing, the stammering, the fidgeting, and she forgot how much this _hurt_, dammit; how does she breathe?!_–but…. It's a panic attack inside of a fainting spell; she can't think; she needs air! And it's not strange because she's always had trouble breathing around him, but it is strange because this isn't the good kind of breathless. It isn't that dizzying, light-headed euphoria. No, it's dark (_getting darker_) and painful (_hurts so fucking _much), and she's gasping, choking, suffocating, _she can't breathe_.

_ "You won't be waking up again."_

_Wha–? _Everything is… fading…. No! She… has to–!

_ "Just give in, little girl. Go to sleep."_

_Who–?_ She has… to… has… to….

_"Don't worry. I'll keep him safe this time."_

… to….

"Hinata-chan?! Hey, Hinata-chan?! Are you ok?!"

_ "I'll keep him safe."_


End file.
